PASTOR’S COLUMN – February 21, 2012

In a distant parish a long, long time ago, I knew a woman, we will call her Susan, who inflicted on her children what the Swiss psychologist Carl Jung called “the unlived life.”

She grew up in central Massachusetts during the Great Depression. Her father lost his job, and the entire family had to do odd jobs to make ends meet. After the Second World War Susan went to college in Boston, where in four years she dated seriatim five boys who were sons of Boston’s “Brahmin families” on Beacon Hill; but, she received no marriage proposals. After college she obtained a professional position in Boston’s Back Bay near Beacon Hill, and married a salesman, with whom she had a son and a daughter. Over the years she repeatedly turned down opportunities for professional advancement which would have taken her outside of Boston. When her husband’s promotion enabled them to buy a much finer house, she adamantly refused, because it was several miles west of the Back Bay.

Susan’s daughter married a man whose profession moved them to a different city far away. Yet, even after many years, she never could feel “at home” there; the stores, the markets, the restaurants, the houses were never as good as the Back Bay’s.

Susan’s son became a successful physician, who in time bought a nice residence on Beacon Hill. But he struggled with its mortgage, as it was somewhat beyond his means. This angered Susan, who told him that he had no business putting on airs, getting above his station, and struggling with a mortgage he couldn’t afford.

In her own mind Susan was not conscious of her long-held desire to become part of one of the families of Boston’s “Blue Bloods.” This was the life she unconsciously wished to lead, yet it shaped the life she actually led. She never consciously asked herself why she would not move out of the Back Bay. Her children unconsciously absorbed her “unlived life.” Her daughter never pondered why nowhere else could feel like home. Her son in part realized Susan’s “unlived life,” but this only angered her, because it stirred up unfulfilled desires in the shadow of her own mind. And her son was unconscious of why he took the risk and “bit off more than he could chew,” just to live in that neighborhood.

Carl Jung wrote about how children will unconsciously absorb their parents’ “unlived lives,” which will mysteriously guide their own life choices. The prophet Jeremiah quotes the proverb, “The fathers have eaten sour grapes, and the children’s teeth have been set on edge.” (Jer 31:29) Yet, Jeremiah continues, that this proverb will be overturned in the new covenant, “when I put my law within them, and write it upon their hearts” (Jer 31:33). As we bring our hearts and minds before God, he will make us aware through the spirit within us as to why we want what we want. This consciousness of the “unlived life” can weaken its grasp on us. “You will know the truth, and the truth will make you free.” (John 8: 32)

Bruce – bahedman@earthlink.net